A little over two years ago, I found myself feeling a strong desire for another baby. Hazel was about to turn two, and I had thought we were done. Jess had voiced he felt two was our number, so I pushed myself to soak up all the little phases with Hazel, sure that she would be my last baby.
I’m very much a person led by my emotions. So when I feel something big, I attempt to take a step back from what I’m feeling and pray. A lot of times we emotionally-led folks tend to make decisions purely based on emotions before we’ve consulted God in our decision making. It’s a conscious choice for me to NOT do just that. Before I ever brought to Jess what I was feeling I started to pray….Lord, is this feeling/desire from you? Is it of myself? If it is, please just take it away. Help me forget about it.
Some time went on and I didn’t forget about it. In fact, the desire only got stronger. So I sat Jess down and told him what I was feeling. He listened attentively, like he always does, but gave me the response I was expecting. He felt like we were done. He basically felt the opposite of what I was feeling. I was so disappointed. I asked him to pray about it, and of course he agreed that he would. I began to pray more specifically…Lord, please show me why I feel this way when Jess clearly does not. Why don’t our desires for our family line up? Someone HAS to be wrong in what they feel, right? Lord, please change Jess’ heart if it’s YOUR plan for us to have more. I prayed and sought him harder. I’m talking, I got down in my closet floor time and time again and cried out to Him for answers.
One day, while my kids were napping, I had just finished praying. I was sitting in the floor of my closet with unfolded laundry next to me in a basket wiping away tears, and all of a sudden I felt such a peace. I wasn’t sure what the answer was, but suddenly it didn’t matter anymore. I knew the Lord was letting me know he was gonna take care of it. If it was his plan to grow our family like my heart was wanting, then he would. And if not, then he would take that desire away. I didn’t bring it up again, and honestly the peace I felt caused me to sorta forget about it and fall back into my already busy routine with Harley and Hazel without much more thought. But the desire never left me…
One night a few weeks later, Jess and I were getting ready for bed and out of nowhere, he asked me if I still wanted another baby. It stopped me in my tracks…Yes, I told him. “Well, if you wanna see what happens, I feel peace about trying.” he said. I couldn’t believe it. Was this my answer? Did the Lord show him something? Jess suggested we give it 6 months of not preventing and if nothing happened, that would be our answer.
Back to the closet I went. This time I wanted a clear answer. I asked him, Lord, if this is right, please let it happen fast. Won’t you please confirm that the desires of my heart came directly from you?
Isn’t it an amazing feeling to KNOW you and only you prayed a specific prayer and the good Lord answered it just for you, in the exact way you asked him to??? A couples weeks later, I was staring down at a positive pregnancy test. I couldn’t believe it happened the first month. Again, that peaceful feeling washed over me. Confirmation that the Lord answered MY prayer. I was elated.
Never once did it cross my mind that there could be two in there…
I remember that day so clearly. I woke up with an anxious heart. When you’ve experienced a miscarriage, I guess it’s second nature to feel a little uneasy about that first ultrasound (in my case, all of them). You want so badly to see and hear that heart beating. I was already feeling pretty sick, so that in itself was reassuring for me. I prayed hard that morning for comfort to trump all my fears and worries.
That afternoon Jess and I gathered into that ultrasound room with our friends Lauren & Davita laughing and joking and catching up. I’ll never forget that moment when the probe ran across my belly and I saw two very distinct circles and two beating hearts…..I’m pretty sure I said “Holy Crap” at least 37 times.
Then there it was….that sweet peace washed over my fears.
I wanted to laugh. Not because it was funny. But because I felt that much joy. The Lord had answered me in the mightiest of ways. Not only did it happen so quickly, but he gave us TWO. I knew my babies were meant to be. Sure I still felt fear and worry(still do!). How am I gonna do this? Four under four? But I knew the Lord wouldn’t have given me something I couldn’t handle. He provided me that assurance I had sought him for.
“Now unto him that is able to do exceeding abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that worketh in us” Ephesians 3:20
There are so many instances in the Bible where we are instructed to pray. To seek him for answers and make our requests known to Him. He WANTS us to talk to him. “And this is the confidence that we have in him, that, if we ask any thing according to his will, he heareth us.” 1 John 5:14.
He’s so faithful. I’m so thankful I can go back to those months in my life when I diligently sought an answer from Him, and he laid his plan out at my feet. If it had happened any other way, I’m not sure I would have had the peace and confidence I did when I learned about the girls.
I’m no different than anyone else. If the Lord can answer my prayers the way he did, then he can do the same for you. And oh what peace that comes when He does. There’s truly nothing comparable.
“When thou liest down, thou shalt not be afraid: yea, thou shalt lie down, and thy sleep shall be sweet.” Proverbs 3:24